Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
