Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
