I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
