At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
