did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
