I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Randomize
