Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
