you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
