Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
