we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
