We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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