I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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