He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
