I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
