I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
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