I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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