guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
