I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
