me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I love you.
Bad choice
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
