shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
