remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Randomize
