Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
