I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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