I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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