Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
