I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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