bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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