My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
