I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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