I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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