I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
