Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
