drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
