if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize