and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
