I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
