My liver just broke up with me...
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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