M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
