when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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