after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
