Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
