in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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