Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
