My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
