i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She's the barista slut.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Randomize
