I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize