The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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