I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
