I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
