dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
