Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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