ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize