I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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