It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
