Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
