We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
