I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
