She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
