I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
