it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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