Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
