Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
