I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
