did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Sober January is a disaster.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
