you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
