i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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