You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
